Innocence - A litmus test

Was gladdened to know that contrary to popular belief, kids nowadays are still innocent. Devised a test for the same. On my last Mumbai visit, I was telling my son the story of Goopi Gayen Bagha Bayen. Its about 2 village simpletons who got 3 boons from the King of Ghosts and their adventures after that. So I asked my 5 year old what he would have wished for if he had 3 boons. Here was his list:

1. I want to become grown up
2. I want to have a mirror which can call any superhero I want
3. I want a magic basket where I can get any toy I ask for.

Considering the fact that I was expecting stuff like 'I want the sequel to Koi Mil Gaya released soon' or something along those lines, I was pretty relieved. Especially the part about being grown up (Remember the Tom Hanks starrer 'Big'?). When I asked him why he wants to be grown up when he is having so much fun as a child he said he wanted to do 'cool' things like be alone with his friends without supervision, go to office and stuff. Oh boy!! Ayush... you got a big shock waiting for you!! Hope you freak out while you still can.

Ojeet

Was a friend of mine when I used to work in Philips. A perfectly normal guy with no striking characteristics..except for one. His sister in law became Miss India last year. When we were in Bangalore together (this was in 2003) he called up one day and said his sis-in-law is coming and lets plan a trip together on a weekend. I wriggled out of that..i was pretty sure she would be as run of the mill as Ojeet was. Boy!! Log paid me kudhali maarte hai, main kudhali pe paid maar diya. Since then I have mailed Ojeet several times asking for her number. After all, she was new in Mumbai and needed some 'protection'. Strangely, he didnt reply back. I will take this regret to my grave.

Coming to Tanusree...last nite while flipping the channels my fingers froze on one. It was some movie starring Tanusree and the Murder guy..Phew!!! Was she hot or was she hot? And frank and innocent. She also reminded me of Pamela Anderson. Not glandularly, but histrionically. I mean her acting, or lack of it. After a long time (the last person I remember is someone called Sonam) here is an actress who cannot emote a single emotion. But who is complaining?? I am rooting for you Tanushree. May you get more such opportunities to leave nothing to the imagination of your viewers. Slurp....

Girls and fun

Have you noticed a weird phenomenon? Since the 80-s Hollywood actresses portraying working women suddenly became very serious. The cop will run faster, the manager will talk more, the programmer will type faster...and all this with a lets-not-play-around-its-serious-work expressions on their faces. And surprise surprise!!! Indian movies and TV serials followed suit in the 90-s. Our workplaces are generally relaxed and informal and people generally are not full of hot air and attitude (except some old foggies who are perhaps scared of being overtaken by so much youth around). So my question is..have you guys noticed this in reality in places where you have worked?

Saw a new scooter ad whose theme is a couple of extremely sexy girls cavorting around on a scooter and the punchline goes...'why should boys have all the fun'..WELL!!!! Thats exactly what boys have been wondering (especially in this fucked up country of ours) for years now!! No one is stopping you girls. Stop taking yourselves so seriously. Your generation need not be the only one that is responsible for avenging thousands of years of male domination. Your previous generation burned bras to prove women are equal. You are desperate to find ways to prove women are better. Relax! Learn from us guys. Its one life and one chance. Take life a day at a time and forget it when the day is over.

And yes...please start having fun. Have one night stands, pick up guys, pick up the bill, have extra-marital affairs, maintain kept men, drink yourselves silly, experiment with sexual positions, go on vacations with friends, have sexual fantasies about neighbors and colleagues, masturbate regularly...the list is endless. So COME ON!!

The Industry I Work In

Emerging 'isms' of the new economy

INFOSYSism You have a 1000 poor cows. You put them on a nice campus, & send them one at a time to the US for milking.

WIPROism GE has a cow. You take 49% of the milk.

DELLism Intel has a Goat. Samsung has a Camel. Buy milk from both & sell it as Cow's milk.

IBMism You have old stubborn cows. You sell them as pet dogs to innocent small businessmen.

MICROSOFTism You have a cow. Force the world to buy milk from you. Spend a million dollars to feed poorer cows.

INTELism Microsoft makes horse shoes. You nail them to your cows & wonder why they don't run fast.

SUNism You have a bull. It doesn't give milk. You hate Microsoft.

ORACLEism You have a cow. You don't know which side to milk, so you sell tools to help milk cows.

SAPism You don't have a cow. You sell milking solutions for cows implemented by milking consultants.

APPLEism You have a cow. You sell iMilk.

SONYism You have a cow. You spend $50 mn to develop the world's thinnest milk.

CITIBANKism Welcome to Citibank. If you have a cow, press 1. If you have a bull, press 2...stay on line if you'd like our customer care to milk it for you.

HPism You don't know if what you have is a cow. You sell complete milking solutions through authorised resellers only.

GEism You have a donkey. People think you have a 100-year old cow. If someone finds out, that's his imagination at work.

RELIANCEism You don't yet have a cow. You sell empty cans to people for Rs. 501, because Dhirubhai wanted everyone to have milk.

TATAism You have a very old cow. You re-brand it as TATA Indicow.

Amazing Internet

I think the internet symbolises the greatest virtue of the human race - that of brotherhood and sharing. Leaving aside legal issues, the whole concept of sharing music and movies is amazing. The first time i visited a peer to peer file sharing site (it was www.audiogalaxy.com) I lost myself in the sheer volume of stuff I could access for free. There were music available that I have not found in any music store across India. There were classic movies that I had only dreamed of watching but thought I would never be able to. I gorged myself till they had to close the site after losing a court battle.

Then, when I started learning the guitar, I once again was amazed at the number and quality of sites that gave free tutorials, chord progressions and riffs. That was also an eye opener for me about understanding the Indian mentality. You see for ages we had this 'guru-shishya parampara' as a result of which information and knowledge were transfered from one person to another in a very close hierarchy. Which basically meant that you massage some selfish bastard's feet for 20 years and he will tell you (and only you) the cure for cancer. Then if you die suddenly or just forget it, the cure goes to the dogs. This is basically how our science of herbal medicine (and countless other schools of science) has perished. Coming to the present, I found that getting the entire tablature for a Jimi Hendrix song takes about 2 seconds. Try that out for a Lucky Ali song and see what happens. There are a handful of sites that give you chord and tabs for popular hindi songs. The few that are there require a long process of requesting someone and following up with him till he grants you the 'favor' of sharing the info with you. The thinking of our race seems to be 'it took me 3 days to work it out..why should I give it out for free??' God!! What arseholes we are!!

Which takes me to the point where I found the exception that proved this rule. Had a get together at my place this weekend where 5 of us got together to watch some movies. Went to the library, spent an hour selecting the movies we wanted to see, then came home to find out that the discs wont play on my player (region error). Got no support from Philips and desperately turned to Google for help. Google (God Bless It) came out with this..http://blogs.nagwani.in/?p=4. It worked first time and I became a hero.

Thanks Deejay. Thanks Google. Thanks Internet...Keep up the good work.

Hail my new hero!!

This great man is called Vinod and he hails from Chandigarh. He was in the news yesterday evening for filing a case of physical abuse against his wife. To support his claims, he carried a 40 minute video clip showing how his wife beats him up regularly. He managed to do this by concealing a camera in his bedroom and then proceeded to get the living shit beaten out of him - kicks to the balls, slaps, punches nothing is left to imagination and its all there in glorious technicolor. There were interviews with legal experts who were of the opinion that this might trigger a change in legislation so that the blind tilt towards women is done away with in abuse and dowry cases. As Dylan said..'the times they are a changing'....Salute, Vinod my friend.

Disgusted

Acquired the complete Ray collection as a new year's gift to myself. Yesterday evening after watching Oronner Din Ratri, I decided to try out the Gautam Ghosh sequel. My disgust forced me to stop the bloody thing midway. Even mentioning it gives it more importance than it deserves.

I dont know what 'modern' film and TV artists are trying to prove. Everything they excrecate nowadays has a sexual angle. Does being 'modern' mean showing cunnilingus on screen? Even Rituporno, whom I admire greatly, has this irritating habit of trying to be 'bold' by inserting a couple of such scenes in every movie. There are so many things to be bold about..why dont you guys grow up and address those? From what I hear, the television industry in Kolkata has become a sewer. Most actresses have price tags for going to bed...and we are not talking about casting couches here. Anyone with the proper contacts can get to screw almost anyone in the bengali TV industry.

What went so horribly wrong? Who are these people? Is this the best that we could do?