Was this abuse?

I was all of 11 years old. I knew all about girls, had played doctor-doctor with 3 of my classmates, I had read graphic descriptions of the adult female anatomy in Nick Carter thrillers I had smuggled in from the school library. I wasn't tongue tied or intimidated by girls. I positively strutted around them. Till the time Mlle Jenette joined our school as a French teacher.

I dont why the fuck she launched into me from the first day. At first it was trivial stuff like asking me to carry her books back to the staff room. Then she started dropping me off home after school. And then asking me to stay back after school to help me with my homework. And the constant fidgeting with my uniform - adjusting my tie, tucking in my shirt, zipping up a half open fly.

And then one day, she called me to her house one hot sultry afternoon to 'amusez-vous certains' as she put it. Have some fun indeed. That afternoon finished my confidence level with the opposite sex.

Before I entered I heard her splashing in the pool. And when i reached the poolside, I saw her cutting through the water in long streaking strokes. She was a great swimmer, but that's not what I was staring at with my mouth open. It was the first time I was seeing a 2 piece bikini in real life..and Nick Carter hadn't prepared me for that. As an Indian kid surrounded by saree clad women, I had grown up seeing bare midriffs of various sizes, shapes and colours. Never had I thought that it could also be something like that. And when she came out of the water and opened her cap to let her blonde hair cascade out, I thought I saw it all. But I hadn't.

She saw me gaping and a peculiar shadow crossed her face. "Venez ici", she beckoned, patting the lounge chair next to her. I moved like an automation, and as I neared her and saw her leaning back and looking at me with a peculiar half-smile, and I saw her breasts heaving as she was catching her breath, and her nipples straining against the soft bikini top, and tiny droplets of water breaking up the sunrays into rainbows like a prism and to my horror I felt my pinky rushing up to meet my slack jaw.

"You helping me to put oil on my back, yes cherie", she asked me, and I dumbly nodded my head. Oil on your back? I would oil and entire leper colony if I can have one more chance to see you like this, I thought. She gave me a bottle and and lay down face down on the chair and for the first time I can feast my eyes on her body, without worrying that she would know I am doing so. I poured some oil onto my trembling hands, squeezed my eyes shut and touched her back and it felt as if I was getting jolted by electric sparks that travelled from my fingertips and spread through my body, leaving goosebumps on my skin and making the hairs on my arms and legs stand up. I started making circular motions on her back, gently to start with and then faster and faster, but then stopped when I heard her moaning, fearing that I had hurt her.

She sat up and looked at me. I looked back hypnotised as she reached back and untied the string holding her bikini top. As it fell away I realised that this was the most beautiful thing I had seen in my entire life. "Front I can do cherie", said with that curious half smile, and I felt my heart shatter into a billion pieces.

"You go and make swim now", she said, and starting applying the lotion on her breasts. It was too much for me. I felt something burst and to my utter disbelief I discovered that I had pee-ed in my pants. I am saying pee, but to me it felt like my wee wee had gone utterly crazy. I tried to mumble something and slide away before she saw me, but my worst fears were confirmed when I looked her and saw her staring at the patch that was spreading in my pants and her hand groped for the towel lying at her side.

"You go home now, yes Neil?", she asked me in a small voice.

Fighting back my tears I ran all the way back home. I switched to German the next week.

Enough!!

"The main problem is the system, not the coach, players, selectors...."

"What does this fucker Chidambaram think of himself? Look at what he has achieved.."

"I cant believe how Aajtak can call themselves a news channel..did you see..."

"I dont know what's wrong with these Jats/Kannadis/Bongs..dont you think.."

"Ray was better because..."

"Its not a question of good woman or good wife. What i feel is..."

AAAARGH!!!!!!!! I am sick of opinions, discussions and debates man! Just want to go to a secluded beach and lie under a beach umbrella with a good book, a chilled beer and a stray dog.

People talk so much.

Reverse hangover

Is a phenomenon I have discovered when I have tried to quit firewater. Not only can I not sleep, but in the morning I get up with a splitting headache.

I am proud of myself.

Your birthday

Ok try this. Go to Wikipedia and type your birth day (month and day) in the search tool. And get to know how momentous that day was.

Mine was huge letdown. Except for my birth (which probably is quite enough in the history of mankind), nothing major has ever happened on that day. I sheer desperation I am listing a few events:

- Socrates executed
- British Labour Party formed
- Soviets invade Afghanisthan
- Dale Earnhardt Sr and Jr win the Daytona 500 (6 years apart from each other)
- Louis XV, Galileo born

Bloody hell!! Let me know yours.

I love you

I have finally realised I cannot live without you. When I am with you I can forget the rest of the world. I can forget the disappointments, the failures, the frustrations. Every song I hear with you sounds better that it normally does, every movie I watch with you gives me deeper insights. I love you for always being there. I love you for never letting me down. I love you for never judging me. I love you for never changing. I love you on my lips. I love your warmth. I love your moistness. I love you when you make my head swim.

Fuck my liver. I am not quitting booze.

Goodbye

I look back at this post with some sadness. What a character and what a player!

Have a good life Inzy. But first of all...thanks to allah.

Working like a dog

The Kiwi girls are waiting..

That's me and Shahrukh

'See this one', she said, flipping the pages of a dog eared photo album. 'Me and Shahrukh. I had put on a new dress that day'. In the faded 4 by 6 snap, he saw her standing in her pigeon hole in Sonagachi, with her arms on Shahrukh Khan's shoulder.

'Wait..I have one with Amitabh as well', she said, pulling out another album from a tin trunk that contained all her possesions and memories. 'But with Amitji I couldn't touch him', she said, giggling and blushing as she showed him the snap where she was standing coyly next to the Big B, decked up in ghastly chiffon silks of pinks and greens, but still beautiful with her breathless excitement.

'You are beautiful', he told her, giving her a quick hug. She clung to him, but he had to go. Away from her dark hole. Leaving her with her loneliness, with her pictures of bollywood actors' posters.

That's what friends are for

S was a very good friend of mine..and if you can manage to think beyond Bollywood he was actually a brother (such things actually exist beyond the celluloid, u know). But all that was before he fell in love..

Oh! I forgot to tell you that we were in bangkok..and BKK has these places called go-go bars (i don't know why) where the concept is that everyone (from the waitress to the pole dancer to the toilet attendant or to the sultry siren sitting in the next table) are available..for conversation i mean (what did you think?).So he liked this waitress, and every order was a looong and detailed one, just so she would stand next to him, and their fingers would touch accidentally while pointing out 'kau pak kai' in the menu card. And ultimately, inevitably, Mr Jack Daniels had his day, and he asked her out.

He came back (alone) with stars in his eyes. What a day it had been, he said. There were so many things in Bangkok that we poor souls had no idea about! Especially the boat ride, sitting on the deck with their arms around each other, eating Moo Chops and sipping Singha beer....man! i felt like loser!

And the day came when she arrived unannounced to his place, for the night. I mumbled an excuse about having some work (i was the flat mate u see), went to the nearest pool joint, lost to all the beautiful waitresses, went to the german steak house, over-tipped the lissome lass pouring dollops of Worcestershire Steak sauce, did this did that..looked at my watch (is he a superman? i dont know..better give him the benefit of the doubt)..tentatively scratched on the door, gingerly turned the knob..and the door opened.

There he was, sitting with an inscrutable expression on his face. My cynisim screamed to me that something was wrong, my romanticism told me he was in love (was it the same thing?). Before i could make up my mind he started the narrative..

'When she came in i couldn't believe my eyes man. I had always hoped that she would be easy, but somehow had wished that i was the exception, rather than the rule. And when she came in that's exactly what she said..told me that she didnt know what she was doing in my bedroom..she felt lost when she thought of me......'

i switched off..........yada yada yada yada......

'i had never seen a bra like that'

(i switched on)...

'how many have you seen before', i asked him...

'what do u think i am a chutiya? since i was so small (he said indicating a 2cm gap between 2 fingers in front of his zipper) i have been seeing them..fluttering on a clothesline on the next terrace..with their blue starch marks..some even with safety-pins in the back, and once i saw...'

'ok, ok i get you..so how was this one, if i may ask', i said.

the dreamy look returned..

'i dont know yaar..it was so different..i dont know how to say this..inside there was like something man..like you used to wear chest gaurds while playing cricket na?'

'uh oh', i muttered.

'what do you mean, uh uh', he barked out. 'u think i am a chutiya or what? i know about some women who have smaller breasts and use something to look big.. remember the time you went out on a date with napkin stuffed in your chaddi and...'

'sorry boss..i was just joking yaar. aage bol bhai'

'chutiya' he muttered. 'anyway, so she saw me looking and suddenly she pulled me up and took all my clothes off. i swear, the last time someone did that so fast was when i was 4 and we were entering kalighat temple and i told maa i had done potty in my pant..but then i told you na she was a nice girl. she could understand that i could not take the first step, and she also was new to this experience..'

i switched off..........yada yada yada yada......

'..and there was naked'

(i switched on)...

'huh! naked?'

'i mean i took her bra off..she was so beautiful yaar..so pure..and when she kissed me it was so beautiful yaar..and she was so innocent. she said she was seeing a dick for the first time..and she said she hadn't seen a bigger one before, and this was the first time also...i didn't understand..anyway, i was so happy and i told her to take her skirt off because i thought i will spoil her nice skirt. she told me this is the first time please switch off the light..'

'uh oh', i muttered..

'again you are doing uhuh u motherchod? remember the time you told T to switch of the light and you will show her magic and you...'

'shut up yaar..that was 16 yrs back man'.

'exactly..she is also same innocent like that..chutiya cynical bastard..anyway..so somehow i controlled and went dripping to the switch..i could hear her unzipping her skirt behind me..and the sound of her underwear going down her legs..i turned the light off, groped my way back and she was on the couch with her arms open..'

'sahi hai baap..chaa gaya beta'

'shut up chutiya sun pehle..i laid my head down against her breasts..'

'abhi bola kuch hai nehi'

'motherchod gaar maar dunga..sun na yaar..it was so nice..she said i was the nicest man she has ever met. all people only use her yaar, they think just pay money and make her do anything..yaar men are bastards, seriously. the amount of torture and harassment. and she said i was the one yaar..she wanted to share a secret with me..'

'let me guess..she was a whore', i said with a smirk.

'raand teri maa chutiya..sun na yaar..she took my hand and placed it on her breast..and slowly guided it down to her stomach..yaar how can they have so flat abs man..and then down. sahi tha yaar..trimmed and shaped..and then i felt it'

'it?'

'it', he indicated with his hand.

'IT?? MOTHERCHOD WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SAYING??'

'abey loure sun na..its not her fault..she just wants money for the operation..she is otherwise perfect yaar..she showed me so many things one can do even if a girl doesn't have that..it was an eye opener for me yaar'.

'i dont believe i am having this conversation..u mean u actually...??'

'sun na yaar...just drop your fucking know all attitute for once..let me show you'.

Its been a long long time

Running your hands through a soft fluffy bush. Touching a bud and watching it harden. Kissing the petals and tasting their oh sweet juices. Caressing the valleys and the shadows ever so lightly, fingers caressing and feeling the gentle answering quiver. Feeling the moistness and inhaling that smell to the farthest capillary of your lung. Hearing the sighs and the groans and smelling the sweat. Pushing yourself to go on a on, deeper and deeper, till you collapse and lay panting and spent but ready for more.

Its really been a long time since I been on a nature trail.