Furious

Just when I thought I had overcome the cricket obsessive maniacal behavior, today's match just brought it all back. At a juncture in life when I thought i have matured, become more responsible, forward looking and tolerant, all it took was an insignificant Asia Cup match to prove me all wrong.

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Another realization..FB is NOT a place for venting emotions. Too much garbage, sorry, friends.

So FUCK YOU SACHIN..and people who have followed this blog know, I am NOT a turncoat. It has been fuck you sachin forever.

The Original Comfortably Numb

Maein Zindagi Ka Saath Nibhata Chala Gaya
Har Fikar Ko Dhuen Mein Udata Chala Gaya

Barbadiyon Ka Shok Manana Fizul Tha
Barbadiyon Ka Jashan Manata Chala Gaya
Har Fikar Ko Dhuen Mein Uda

Jo Mil Gaya Usi Ko Muqaddar Samajh Liya
Jo Kho Gaya Maein Usko Bhulata Chala Gaya
Har Fikar Ko Dhuen Mein Uda

Gham Aur Khushi Mein Farq Na Mehsoos Ho Jahan
Maein Dil Ko Us Muqaam Pe Laata Chala Gaya
Har Fikar Ko Dhuen Mein Uda

Armageddon

The end of times is finally here. The signs were there for some time now. But for me something I saw yesterday was the last straw.

Dogs have been my closest friends ever since I can remember. And something 'doggy' in me has always ensured that irrespective of the place, breed, training, mood or weather I have made licking acquaintances with most of the dogs in any locality I have lived in so far. Without sounding too cliche-ed or melodramatic, I have found solace on many a dark, horrible and gut wrenching day in the unfailing greeting and unconditional display of love.

So it came as a huge shock a couple of months back when I first saw 4 semi domesticated strays in our locality playfully catch and kill a pigeon. And then 3 others somewhere else actually killed and ate one in front of me. And today i saw a couple of them fighting over the body of a dead puppy...playfully tearing it apart.

Something is going very wrong somewhere. And if you, like me, have known and loved dogs, then you would start getting scared as well.

I had always heard of the term 'its a dog eat dog world' but had never taken it literally, the thought having never ever crossed my mind. Is it the beginning of the end then?

The poor poor Pakis!!!

Oh sorry! Is that a deragatory term? I didnt know that! Dumb politically incorrect bigot that I am, questioning communal countries and breeders of jehadis (shudder, will there be a fatwa now against me? will my pauwa bar be blown apart by a teenage suicide bomber?).

Its not like the pakis (oops soory again)are racist or anything right? Because in THAT case there would have been no noise on their exclusion. After all, a team like South Africa, who had 7 world class players in their ranks, could be banned for 22 years because their government was racist. But who cares about a thousand odd bloody indians killed in paki instigated terror strikes? At least the apartheid south africans were just killing a bunch of faceless blacks. Its not like they were a crucial factor against the 'war against terror' in the 'axis of evil'!

At the end of the day, a big FUCK YOU to the politicos - none of whom have so far had the balls to say yes it was deliberate. To the media (as usual, since the post is in this blog) for gleefully watching from the sidelines and not asking a single straight question. To all the psuedu armchair cricket experts, bemoaning the loss of the world champion side, in a format like T20 where the world champions of one day can lose to their domestic help team the next.

I think the pakis deserve us as their neighbors.

The revenge

Have you noticed the fact that the last 3 epidemics were caused by animals we usually slaughter and eat. And maybe they are getting back at us?

Taking this one step further, i investigated the names of swine flu victims and guess what? No Muslims there.

Research is on mad cow and chickengunia.

Will keep u posted.

PS: inspired by Steven Levitt who has made some amazing correlations just by crunching numbers.

The Shuv Equilibrium

Movie buffs and economists know of the Nash Equilibrium right? Well, here's one from me for addicts and romantics, preferably separate individuals close to each other. The Shuv Addiction Disaster Prevention Equilibrium states:

Promise to quit the addiction the day the other person gets married.
This way, the game always has ONE winner.

Dont need the Nobel, a bottle will do.

Quote of the day

'Airport me visibility kaisa hai deepak?'

'Bohut hi zyada low visibility hai'.

Jai ho jai ho! Indian news channels ki jai ho!!

A new beginning

Now that i am generally happy about my personal and professional life, its time i channelised my omnipresent cribs against somebody. Today's budget gave me enough material to start a new series on this dead blog (i am actually paying my driver these days to hit the site once in a while)..

So here goes..

From tomorrow..its 'CRIB TARGET OF THE DAY'...a lucky guy in the morning newspaper will get it from me every morning..and i will do it like taking quinine(sp?) in malaria..no creative bullshit here..just meeting the target.

SO..if u guys want to join my driver..meet me here.

Ghetu: i am open to syndication negotioations.

More more more!!

Hail blogging!!

By now hopefully all of you are glued to this genius. If you are not, please start immediately. Please navigate so that you start at the beginning and then move forward.

After ages, finally here is a desi who has a killing wit combined with a vivid imagination. And he has captured the imagination of blogsphere. Combine that being the guy who has made SRFK forget to shave his white stubble before appearing on television..well i think i have become a lifelong fan.

And if you want the cynical sign off..here's the cloud behind the silver lining. A guy who has sent cricket and bollywood (yes, bollywood AB) into a frigging tizzy deserved to be rewarded hugely. But those doors are closed to this poor bloke. In order to earn money he has to divulge who he is so sponsors can pay him. If he does that he will no longer be in a position to be privy to any of the inner gossip.

Sad for him. But for us, I wish he would go on forever!!

A Spooky Tale

KNOCK KNOCK

Who's there?

Death.

What do you want?

What the fuck do you think? I have come to take you.

Where?

What are you? The dumbest motherfucker in the world or something? I have come for you..your time is up.

No.

What? What the fuck do you mean no? You think you have a bloody choice or something?

No..i meant i am not the dumbest motherfucker..in fact i am not a motherfucker even.

DEATH GROANS Let me try and explain this to you fuckface. You are about to have a heart attack. And that will be the end of you. Then we will go together to the Other Side.

Why?

WHAAT? Because I say so dickhead..now get the fuck up and get ready for that attack. What are you doing?

Pudin Hara..its good for acidity..just had some chest pain..must have been the vada pav i had in the evening. So what were you saying?

EVIL LAUGHTER Thats not acidity you dung brain..Prepare for the end!

Wait...LOUD BURP Aaah! That was better..Oh sorry..excuse me. You were saying?

Enough!! Its 9:15. Time up stink face. Let's go.

Lets go lets go..so much in hurry all the time..one of these days you will get a heart attack..ok baba ok..i will come where you want to take me..i know what this is..must be those hidden camera programs..but i am too smart for you. Wait!! just let me watch the news headlines for a minute. Ok?

DEATH SIGHS AND SITS DOWN. MAN TURNS ON TV AND STARTS FLIPPING THROUGH THE CHANNELS ONE BY ONE..DEATH'S FACE TAKES ON A GREENISH TINGE

No..no!! Stop that! How can you watch that? Please..for satan's sake! Please!

Huh! What happened? Some new joke? Haha.

No no no..please! I will leave! If this doesnt kill you I dont stand a chance!

Leave? Are you crazy! Just wait for the next program! It will blow you mind!

DEATH CONTINUES WATCHING AND SUDDENLY THERE IS A LOUD BANG AND HIS HEAD EXPLODES. A PUFF OF SMOKE AND HE IS GONE

Strange fellow. But good special effects. I wonder which channel it will come on.

MAN CONTINUES FLIPPING CHANNELS

Thoughts on piracy

You will all realise that this is prompted by today's news item that a new legislation has been approved in Maharashtra to prosecute sellers as well as buyers of pirated content. And that Mr Karan Johar has opined that the film industry is suffering huge losses due to this menace. However, please believe me when I say that this has been something I wanted to write about since I started downloading music about 10 years back.

Now, before you start hammering on your keyboards writing crap like 'stealing is stealing, whether its a car or a movie' and all such nonsense drilled into your brains by the owners of content - PLEASE! Lets leave the morality part out of this discussion. Piracy is banned by 'LAW' not by 'GOD'. A very interesting angle was presented in 'The Reader' where a lawyer argues for a Nazi camp gaurd saying that she was only following what was the law at that point in time. No Vedas say piracy is a crime. So all our Vedas and epics were copied and read out in festivals and ceremonies and none of the rishi-s and muni-s earned a single red cent out of the deal. If Mr Johar had written the Mahabharata...well that would have been a different story right?

Anyway, so leaving out the moral and legal aspect of the discussion here are a few additional laws I would like to be implemented along with the anti piracy crackdown laws:

1) Arrest all directors, producers, writers, music directors and lyricists for copying any idea or content without acknowledging and paying the source.

2) Declare all earnings and let the government do Tax Deduction at Source.

3) Mandate part of the money earned goes back into the industry. So music labels should produce x number of new artists per year, film producers should open y number of acting schools etc etc.

4) Provide money back facility to the consumer. If the viewer/listener feels that shit is being dished out, he returns the shit and gets his money back.

5) Provide breakup and pricing justification to a central board or commitee to explain why a particular DVD costs Rs 500 in some label and Rs 29 in another label after 3 months.

Into this land of freedom let my country awake.

Bravo Mr Ranatunga!!

Lanka Paki bhai bhai!!! Down with BCCI and down with big brother India!!!!

So when India pulls out of the Paki tour post the Mumbai incident, Mr Ranatunga steps in as the concerned brother and long suffering empathiser. The heavens open and petals shower on him and a voice assures him of an ICC position in the near future! Shame on you India!!

Well..screw you brother. I sincerely wish you were on that fucking bus in Lahore today.

And it probably also lays to rest an age old debate about whether cricket administrators should be ex cricketers or not. As Mr Gavaskar had done his share in his ICC stint, I will now rest my case.

Yawndog Millionaire

Firstly, since I haven’t seen any of the other nominated movies, I wont comment on whether or not the movie deserved 8 oscars. Maybe the other ones were equally bad or worse. Maybe it's post Obama America trying to make amends for the last couple of decades of self-obsession and self-righteousness by acknowledging that non Americans also belong to the human race. Maybe it's all these and other factors combining in the ridiculous way fate sometimes has of turning things on it's head.

So, lets discuss the movie itself. It's not even good, forget great. The screenplay has gaping holes, the storyline is ridiculous, the performances are extremely ordinary, the script is juvenile, the cinematography is as good as what we see in most hindi movies these days and the direction is average. Rehman is good, but way way short of his best (but I guess even that is good enough for the Oscars so that’s all right). And of course it has the following scene:

Poor Boy Fucked by Fate (PBFF) working as guide to American Tourist With Golden Heart (ATGH) is caught stealing and is thrashed by Insensitive Indian Goon (IIG).

PBFF while getting belted tells ATGH – ‘see..this is the real India’.

ATGH stops IIG, scolds him, hands PBFF a C note and tells him ‘this is the real America’.

Amazing!! Real goose bump and lumpy throat stuff right?

And the reaction!! Funniest thing yesterday was how both the British and Indian media were going bonkers that ‘their movie’ had won. And there were celebrations in the Bandra slums and in Pali Hill bungalows. At the end of the day, the hype is all about Bollywood. This entire ‘spontaenous eruption of joy’ has been carefully choreographed since the BAFTA nominations. So, while the movie ran to empty theatres across Mumbai, the film fraternity came out with media bytes blazing – no doubt mentally rearranging their dates to accommodate Hollywood directors they think would be lining up after this phenomenon.

Was the reaction similar when Pt Ravi Shankar or Pt Zakir Hussain got the Grammy? Or when Ray (who???) won the Oscar?

As Borat would say…’Naaaaat!!!’.

Bloody us

Before the tirade starts a word of thanks to all my pompous, self-obsessed countrymen. For it was them that had started me blogging when i had felt the urge to express my frustration and anger against them. Then over the years my friends and constant readers (god bless each and every one of them) convinced me that i had 'talent'...with the obvious outcome being i stopped writing those posts and concentrated on compositions full of samples of my 'talent'...with the expected outcome that this blog averages 4 posts a year.

BUT NOT ANY MORE. 'I can see clearly now the rain's gone' as Mr Whittaker had sung. 'I have seen the light' as Buddha said. And so here goes.

Huge hoohah in India with 2 issues - Sachin not figuring in ICC top 20 list of test batsmen and Mr Amitabh F Bachan expressing his disgust at Slumdog Millionaire showing poverty in India.

A big FUCK YOU to all of you.

New story idea

Her daughter was on the phone again. She had that ghastly expression on her face, one that bordered between terror and ecstasy, if there could be a border between these two emotions. She ran towards her and took her in her arms.

'Who is it darling', she whispered in her ear.

'Its mommy', she said.

With trembling hands she took the phone and said 'hallo??'

A woman cackled wildly on the phone and disconnected the line.

...and after it all

there will be a picture in the front pages of the dailies tomorrow of a local train packed like sardines with smiling commuters and the headlines will scream
THE SPIRIT OF MUMBAI!!!

The last hurrah!

Lottery tickets!! That's it! He shot up in a flash. Now how the hell didnt it occur to him before? It was just 10 bucks a day. And he could cut down a pack of smokes a day for that. He knew he could do it. Initially, he had thought that moving from Marlboros to Pall Malls will be difficult. But he was used to it by now. Used to a lot of changes really. Used to moving from city to city looking for jobs. Used to staying unwelcome at friends' houses and convincing himself that they actually liked to have him stay with them for a couple of months. Used to logging in everyday to the zillion job sites and not finding anything. Used to not letting the panic and pleading come into his tone when he called ex colleagues and asked them if there were any openings. Used to the resigned acceptance of his family when he told them he was on the verge of getting something. Used to the terror stalking him every night when it seemed the tunnel had no light at its end and he would be stuck in the darkness forever.

When he bought the ticket he KNEW. He had gone for the state lottery. And the state wont cheat him. And it came as no surprise when he got the call from New York saying he had cracked the jackpot. 150 million dollars. 150 million roads to redemption. A thousand million dreams waiting to be fulfilled. Goodbye frustration. Goodbye abuse. Goodbye going to sleep and not sleeping. Hallo life.

Before entering the building he rechecked the address. As he entered the foyer he looked at the clock in the lobby. It was 8:15 AM, September 11, 2001. He would remember this date forever. He got into the elevator and pressed the button for the 98th floor.

The true story behind the madness of Dr X

The experiments were over. Mice, guinee pigs, chimps had all responded as they were supposed to. His lifetime's efforts, sacrifices and back breaking work had come to an end. And tomorrow he would be the most controversial man in the history of mankind.

He would be revered by 2 billion people and vilified by the other 2. But in the end, he was sure they will all pay homage to him. Because he had discovered the elixir of true happiness. And no one who was happy would be able to deny the fact when it will be in front of everyone to see. In one swipe, 90% of global problems will be gone. For he had discovered the ultimate pill. And it was called Manlinex.

The fundamentals behind this were always simple and for everyone to see - increase of testosterone would lead to male symptoms. The challenges were dual - how to restrict the symptoms to only affect behavior and attitudes, rather than having physical effects. And the second was how to achieve all this through a single dose achieved by a single pill (that can be administered surreptitously to an unwilling patient), rather than a long drawn out clinical process. And that was what all these years of research was about. And he was ready for the first human test case.

Everything was in place when his wife returned from work that night. The mood lighting, the soft music, the diamond bracelet and the glass of wine with the dissolved pill. He had absolutely no doubts that the pill would work and he was not wrong. The night was probably his best with his wife - where they polished off the wine and migrated to whiskey, and Richard Chamberlain gave way to Led Zep, and the living room was strewed with empty pizza boxes and cigerette ash, and the sex was uninhibited and raunchy and physical.

After it all, he laid a content and happy man. Not only for himself, for the incredible success, adulation and money he will get, but also for the millions worldwide who will live happier lives.

He felt his wife move beside him. He sat up and saw her getting ready to go out. Rubbing sleep from his eyes he asked 'Where are you going? Its almost midnight!'.

'I will be out with a few friends..will be late. You lock the door behind me', she said as she sailed out into the night.

Sometimes...a writer's block is good

Its cold here in the city
It always seems that way
And Ive been thinking about you almost everyday
Thinking about the good times
Thinking about the rain
Thinking about how bad it feels alone again

Im sorry for the way things are in china
Im sorry things aint what they used to be
But more than anything else
Im sorry for myself
cause youre not here with me

Our friends ask all about you
I say youre doing fine
And I expect to hear from you almost anytime
But they all know Im crying
I cant sleep at night
They all know Im dying down deep inside

Im sorry for all the lies I told you
Im sorry for the things I didnt say
But more than anything else
Im sorry for myself
I cant believe you went away

Im sorry if I took some things for granted
Im sorry for the chains I put on you
But more than anything else
Im sorry for myself
For living without you